Years ago I lived in an apartment at the corner of Cooper and O’Connor with my ex and five tabby cats: Mr. Jones, Catastrophe, Mean Joe, Screamer and Beethoven.
Mr. Jones and Catastrophe were brothers, and everybody else descended from one or the other of those two.
One evening we were sitting in the living room with dinner guests, enjoying some pleasant after-dinner conversation, when all of a sudden Mr. Jones came marching purposefully into the room. His eyes were strangely huge and glossy and his muscles were rippling. He was all puffed up like a lion after the hunt.
He had a used condom dangling from his mouth.
(This was back before condoms were cool.) (Used ones still aren’t, really.)
I noticed him a split second before anybody else did. It occurred to me that I should probably say something cute to make it less embarrassing for all concerned, but I couldn’t think of anything cute to say right that second.
“What’s the cat got?” one of the dinner guests asked innocently, and this was immediately followed by a little chorus of gasps as a ripple of recognition spread throughout the room.
Then we all just sat there in this weird slow-motion mortified silence, watching Mr. Jones as he strutted proudly among us, showing off his prey. Finally, when it appeared he intended to settle down and EAT it – right in front of us! – I stopped trying to think of something cute to say and tackled him, dragged him into another room and wrestled it away from him.
We did not forgive each other for quite some time.
TAGS:
…wow
Phlox recently threw up on our bed, but I suppose I ought to be grateful that that was the worst he has done to us.
Heather – you might also be grateful to know this is the last post in the bodily fluids series.
Was it my posting yesterday about the sperm surplus in Saskatoon that triggered this memory?
OMG! How funny. Mine only carry around stuffed animals. They are like children sometimes…
And I thought I had it bad with Peno scavanging for used q-tips!
Did I ever tell you the one about the dog who loved used tampons?
The one about the asphyxiating dog with bulging eyes and a string hanging out of his mouth?
Catastrophe? that is the best name ever!
Aggie – you did influence me!
Valerie – I’ve had cats that were into Q-tips too!
Patti – okay, I think we have a winner for Grossest Pet Story yet!
Nursemyra – yeah, it was a great name and he was a great tabby tomcat.
Mr. Cosmo (one of my adopted kitties) leaves me poopsicles, when he’s displeased. Which is quite a lot – since he is quite tempermental. The other.. Mr. Malcolm, just steals needles. He’s a little sweetheart.
One time,I was sitting around doing something or other when I heard a strange cat sound upstairs. It sounded like a cat was in pain or some other kind of distress. I went upstairs to check this out. My cat Percy had dragged out a dirty sweatshirt belonging to my son and he was intently humping it(I think that’s the scientific terminology). I’ve witnessed this several times since then and it’s always some dirty laundry belonging to said son. I’ve never had the heart to tell him this story.
BTW I love the ambiguity of the we in the last line.