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Looking inside my insides

Wednesday I get started on the diagnostic imaging. At 7:30 in the morning they’re going to do an abdominal ultrasound to see if there’s any spread of the cancer to my liver. After that, they’ll do a chest x-ray to see if there’s any cancer in my lungs.

On Thursday morning I go to the hospital twice. First thing in the morning, they’ll give me an injection and then I’ll leave. I’ll return at noon for the bone scan to see if there’s any cancer in my skeleton.

After that, the only pre-surgical imaging required is the MRI of my breasts, which hasn’t been scheduled yet. But I do have my actual mammogram films in my filing cabinet. If I wanted to, I could post them right here on my blog, so we could all look at the insides of my squished breasts. (Don’t worry – I won’t.)

I know none of these tests will hurt, but psychologically they creep me out. I want to get the tests over with so I can heave that big old sigh of relief when they all come back negative. But the idea of going looking for more trouble? It’s tempting the fates, and the fates haven’t been exactly benevolent towards me this year.

It’s like going down to the basement to prove to yourself that the ominous noise isn’t coming from demons. But what if it is?? What if there’s a big fat ugly demon rubbing his hands together and chortling gleefully as he waits for me down in the basement? (I’m still working on that Ghandiesque view of cancer, by the way. There are wrinkles.)

14 comments to Looking inside my insides

  • I hope for nothing but the best, zoom. Lots of folks are pulling for you.

  • Wishing and hoping for the best, zoom. Sometimes negative thoughts are good thoughts ;-).

  • The bogeyman isn’t a good example, because IF you do find something in your liver/etc, you can do something to remove it. If you just stay out of the basement, the bogeyman won’t harm you–and that’s not the case with cancer!

    I’m trying to think of a different example, but I think a good analogy is minesweeping. There’s some dangerous stuff out there in the minefield. Or at least, there may be. If you go playing in the field you could get seriously injured.

    But if you carefully, deliberately follow the known and established procedures to make sure the minefield is safe–as well as the procedures to neutralize any threat if you encounter any–once you have cleared the minefield, it’s just a field, and you can enjoy it once again. (Note: those new minefield-clearing machines with the flails and chains? Don’t use that on your body to try to clear cancer out.)

    There’s probably a similar example that is analogous, but I’m a bit too tired to think of it right now.

    Oh, and to make up for the “war on cancer” analogy, Stephen Colbert reported on his show last night that the US drug czar is dropping the term “War on Drugs”.

    – RG>

  • Lissa

    If good thoughts and love are healing, then you are healed. Love and good thoughts in bundles to you on Wednesday. And by the way, thank you for sharing.

  • sassy

    Zoom – sending good wishes and, many thanks for your postings on the process to date. I admire your frank clarity. Dawg is right – there are many folks pulling for you.

  • Wait, you won’t worry, or you won’t post the film?

  • Melinda

    Although I haven’t had time to comment a lot lately, you’ve been in my thoughts. I’m pulling for you and will be crossing my fingers for you today. I’m also going to be doubly sure to take part in Knitters for Knockers this year in hope that the women of the future won’t have to deal with all these nasty demons.

    Randomly, if you ever get warts again, there is a good homeopathic remedy for them. I’m not a homeopathic person normally, but even I have to admit it works. It’s Thuja something or other, but I’d have to look on the bottle for the exact name.

    Break a leg today!

  • Don’t worry about the testing. Obviously you’re going to get them anyway but there’s nothing to worry about unless they play the creepy, bad guy in the basement music.
    If you don’t hear that then everything is going to be ok.

  • Linda Anne

    Hi Zoom – You have been in my thoughts each day. You have been so brave in sharing your situation with all of us and have a great deal of people pulling for you. Good luck with all the tests this week.

    Cheers – Linda Anne

  • Kat

    Chin up babe! You are in good hands and nothing but the best for you and the outcome as well!

  • XUP

    At least you can be sure that these medical tests are not like taking your car to a mechanic or visiting your dentist — both of whom will always find something that needs attention and a substantial cash outlay. Hospitals make all their money off the tests themselves – everything else costs them money, so they try never to find anything wrong. Ergo – the odds are in your favour. I’ll be thinking about you and hope that all your uncertainties are cleared up in the most positive possible way asap.

  • Having all those tests at once REALLY creeped me out, too. I kept wondering what all those blank faced techies were seeing and not telling me. It’s also exhausting.

    But from what I have been reading on your blog it is likely that there is nothing there to see (except what should be there, of course. My spouse was very amused when I announced after brain scan results “There’s nothing there!”).

    Hang in there – wishing you clean nodes and a sail through radiation.

  • Пора переименовать блог, присвоив название связанное с доменами :) может хватит про них?

  • I understand what you’re saying but I’m glad you’re getting the tests. I had an “anomaly” in one of my breasts 2 years ago and had a doctor say “I’ve never seen anything like this” which was really reassuring to hear. I had ultra sound and mri and stopped just short of biopsy because they deemed it unnecessary. We just ‘monitor the situation’. The mri was so weird. First of all, it’s a small closed space and I am claustrophobic. Then they made me lie on a table with holes in it for my breasts to go into and swing in the breeze. Very odd feeling. Gather all the information you can. It helps you make decisions.