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Top Ten Reasons to Take Up Smoking

10. You won’t choke and your eyes won’t bleed when you walk through a cluster of smokers outside a bar or office building, because your body will be tough and resilient.

9. You’ll get to hang out with the cool people, because all the cool people smoke. (Except in the winter – then all the cold people smoke.)

8. There are some health benefits: you’ll have a lower risk of getting Parkinson’s Disease, you’ll burn a few extra calories a day, and you’ll be slightly cooler in the summertime because of poor circulation. (Unfortunately you’ll also be slightly cooler in the wintertime, for the same reason.)

7. Cigarettes are a good way to punctuate the day. You have a smoke between tasks (comma), a smoke when you need to think about something before doing it (question mark), and a smoke when you finish a task (period). If it weren’t for cigarettes, your day would be like a great big run-on sentence.

6. If you get lost in the woods, you will always have a lighter with you.

5. Small children will give you a wide berth because they believe you’re going to drop dead any minute now.

4. There is probably no better way than smoking to grasp the concept of cognitive dissonance.

3. If you smoke, you will never again need to figure out what you really want. You can just have a cigarette whenever you want anything.

2. You won’t need to save so much for your retirement.

1. You’ll be able to quit smoking and give yourself an instant Big Fat Raise. (If non-smokers want to give themselves a Big Fat Raise, they have to give up driving or not stealing.)

I quit smoking four weeks ago today and I’ve instructed the bank to put that money against my mortgage every two weeks. I’m shaving seven years off my mortgage (!) and hopefully adding seven years to my life. Obviously this would not have been possible if I were already a non-smoker. I’m so grateful I had the foresight to start smoking when I was sixteen, and to stick with it all these years.

10 comments to Top Ten Reasons to Take Up Smoking

  • boo

    o0o0h check it out – spam!

    congratulations by the way, you’re on on way to a younger and richer you :)

  • Yes,

    You are right, I`m trying…..


  • Way to go with quitting smoking. It’s one of the toughest things you will have to do. Say positive and you will be able to permanently kick the habit.

    All the best!

  • kat

    Well done. You will, as you say, save a fortune.

  • Guy

    Zoom Zoom away, I bought my honda element with the money I saved and you do feel a lot healthier. Honest Honest Honest Well done Zoomer

  • Deb

    Number 2 is just awful…but I am proud of you. Maybe you will be able to run again soon too???

  • That’s an hilarious set of reasons. Got any left to pass to me? 😉

  • Good luck with non-smoking. For some reason the 3s are difficult: 3 days, 3 weeks. At 3 months, you might find you have an irritable cough; a medical person told me that that’s because it’s around then that things in your lungs start really shaking themselves off and regenerating.

    And it took me three-or-so tries before I really quit. That pattern is quite common.

    “4. There is probably no better to way than smoking to grasp the concept of cognitive dissonance.”

    Religious fundamentalism has smoking licked, cognitive dissonance-wise.

  • Thanks everyone! Most of the time I don’t even think about it anymore.

    As for running again…I might. I’m thinking about it. (I’m not sure how safe I’ll feel in this neighbourhood though, running after dark…and for a few months of the year it’s always dark when I’m not at work. But we’ll see.)

    Guy – a Honda Element – is that a car? How long did it take?

    Pearl, sorry – I gave them all away!

    Dave – yes, the religious fundamentalists probably present the ultimate text-book case of Cognitive Dissonance.