10. You won’t choke and your eyes won’t bleed when you walk through a cluster of smokers outside a bar or office building, because your body will be tough and resilient.
9. You’ll get to hang out with the cool people, because all the cool people smoke. (Except in the winter – then all the cold people smoke.)
8. There are some health benefits: you’ll have a lower risk of getting Parkinson’s Disease, you’ll burn a few extra calories a day, and you’ll be slightly cooler in the summertime because of poor circulation. (Unfortunately you’ll also be slightly cooler in the wintertime, for the same reason.)
7. Cigarettes are a good way to punctuate the day. You have a smoke between tasks (comma), a smoke when you need to think about something before doing it (question mark), and a smoke when you finish a task (period). If it weren’t for cigarettes, your day would be like a great big run-on sentence.
6. If you get lost in the woods, you will always have a lighter with you.
5. Small children will give you a wide berth because they believe you’re going to drop dead any minute now.
4. There is probably no better way than smoking to grasp the concept of cognitive dissonance.
3. If you smoke, you will never again need to figure out what you really want. You can just have a cigarette whenever you want anything.
2. You won’t need to save so much for your retirement.
1. You’ll be able to quit smoking and give yourself an instant Big Fat Raise. (If non-smokers want to give themselves a Big Fat Raise, they have to give up driving or not stealing.)
I quit smoking four weeks ago today and I’ve instructed the bank to put that money against my mortgage every two weeks. I’m shaving seven years off my mortgage (!) and hopefully adding seven years to my life. Obviously this would not have been possible if I were already a non-smoker. I’m so grateful I had the foresight to start smoking when I was sixteen, and to stick with it all these years.