When my baby was just a couple of weeks old, he went five days without a dump! On the sixth day, I went to the drugstore and bought a baby suppository, which I administered while he was lying crosswise on the changing table with his bum facing me. (You see where this is going, don’t you?)
The suppository exceeded my wildest expectations. It produced one of those experiences that instantly sears itself into your permanent memory. As a matter of fact, I still remember exactly what I was wearing that day: a light blue cotton blouse, maternity jeans and running shoes.
So. Six days worth of backlog exploded out of the baby and onto my light blue cotton blouse. From there, it slid down my blouse and dripped onto my shoes, and then onto the floor where it formed ever-deepening pools. And it just kept coming and coming, always following that same trajectory.
Being new at this sort of thing, I was not prepared for the volume. I had a little green terrycloth facecloth and a fresh diaper. That’s it. So I yelled out to John, who was watching TV in the other room, to bring me some paper towels. There must have been a sense of urgency in my voice, because John came running on the double with a whole roll of paper towels.
But he only made it as far as the bedroom door. He took one look, saw what was happening, doubled over and started gagging and puking. He couldn’t stop.
For some reason I always found John’s weak stomach hilarious, so I started laughing uncontrollably. The more the baby pooped, the more John puked, and the more John puked, the more I laughed. We were all totally out of control – we couldn’t stop. So the three of us just hung out there in the nursery for awhile, pooping and puking and laughing uncontrollably.
(Of course it wasn’t so funny afterwards when it was ME who had to clean up all the puke and poop because John, with his weak stomach, couldn’t possibly help.)
In retrospect, maybe the funniest part of this story is that it’s actually a fond memory.