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Skydiving, triglycerides, pajamas and inboxes

My friend Siobhan went skydiving a couple of days ago. She’s in a wheelchair because she has ALS. She was diagnosed last year, when her youngest child was just five weeks old.  Siobhan’s determined to make the most of the rest of her life, and I can’t wait to see what she accomplishes next. She’s amazing.

Meanwhile, my most major recent accomplishment is I cleaned up my Yahoo inbox. I was motivated by GC’s inbox, which never has more than about ten messages in it. Mine had 14,565 messages.

You should never undertake a task like this in a single session; you’ll go insane. It took me a few weeks of an hour here, an hour there. Eventually I was rewarded with a message that said “There are no messages in your Inbox folder.” (Which I must admit felt a bit anticlimactic. I think I was expecting something more dramatic, like an animated parade and a marching band.) Next up – my gmail inbox, which is home to another 8,527 messages.

Speaking of accomplishments, remember when my doctor said I had crazy high triglyceride and cholesterol levels? But since I didn’t have any other risk factors for heart disease, she wanted me to tackle it with diet and exercise rather than meds.

I’m happy to report my triglycerides went from very high to normal (5 point something to 1 point something) and my cholesterol went from very high to merely high (8.2 to 6.1). My doctor said it was very impressive.

What else? I’m teaching myself how to sew.  I’ve rejected sewing all my life, as an act of political protest. When I was a kid we moved to the country and I joined the 4H Club, believing I’d get to raise a calf, but they said no, boys raise calves and girls sew dresses. And then I was forced to sew a dress even though I didn’t even wear dresses. My mother ended up sewing the dress, which I wore to school once because she insisted. The other kids pointed out that my dress was see-through and I was mortified and never wore it again.

But now, 40 years later, I’m over it. I want to learn how to sew.

I made some cushions and I’m making a pair of pajama pants from an actual pattern. They’re almost finished – I just need to hem them. It’s a “Learn to Sew” pattern, but it’s not as easy as you might think. There are some confusing bits. Starting with the first line on the back of the pattern envelope: “Not suitable as sleepwear.” But it’s pajamas. (Turns out the pattern manufacturer puts that on all pajama patterns, to avoid being sued if you make your pajamas out of flammable material and then set yourself on fire while sleeping.)

That’s about it for my recent accomplishments. How about you? What have you been up to?

Tender Ears and Evil Eyes

Simon has discovered I have ears. I mean, he’s always known I have ears, but he used to think I only had them after a shower, when my hair was wet. Now he has figured out that I always have ears. So 30 or 40 times a day, he flies over, lands on my shoulder, sticks his beak through my hair and bites my ear.

Parrots generally bite for one of several reasons: anger, fear or fun. Simon bites my ears for fun. But beaks are sharp and ears are tender, so it’s not as much fun for me as it is for him.

He also bites my fingers a lot – mostly gently, but sometimes not. Nibbles are okay. Bites are not.

This is my first issue with Simon requiring any kind of discipline. When he bites too hard, I say “NO BITE!” in a firm voice. If he bites again, I repeat it and put him in his cage for a 5-minute time out. I also give him the Evil Eye, but only briefly. African Greys are very sensitive creatures, to the point of bordering on the neurotic. They can be psychologically devastated if they feel their loved one is threatening them, and a prolonged Evil Eye could easily be interpreted as threatening.

After five minutes I let him back out of his cage and give him hugs and kisses and remind him that good birds don’t bite. And then we say Peekaboo and Wow, and life goes on.

Little friends

GC and Rosie and I spent Saturday afternoon hanging out with these people:

We filled a castle with dinosaurs, built a marble race, ate imaginary elephants, raced cars, flew jets and taught a triceratops how to ride a horse. And every time anybody pooped on the potty, we all got to eat a gummy bear!

Random weirdness

The Writer’s Idea Book, by Jack Heffron, contains more than 400 writing prompts and writing exercises. I borrowed it from the library a couple of days ago.

First thing I did when I got it was read the table of contents. Then I decided to just randomly open the book up to any page and poke my finger randomly on a writing prompt. I would complete that writing prompt regardless of whether or not it appealed to me.

I closed my eyes, opened the book at a random page and chose the only writing prompt on that page. Here’s what it said:

PROMPT: Open this book to any page and do one of the prompts. Don’t consider if it interests you or is appropriate to your background. As you do it, try to move past distracting thoughts and feelings. Focus on the prompt and let yourself go.

Wanted


I wonder if Coyote knows his mugshot is plastered all over that new coffee roasting place on Anderson Street? The last thing he needs is a bunch of heavily caffeinated bounty hunters on his tail.

Speaking of bounty hunters, I was thinking about the ways my sister and I used to make money when we were kids living on a stretch of road a couple of miles from the closest village. There weren’t many entrepreneurship opportunities out there. A kid with a lemonade stand would’ve starved.

I babysat for 50 cents an hour (double after midnight) and I cleaned ovens for 50 cents apiece. I was a better babysitter than I was an oven cleaner. I’d never heard of oven cleaning products, and no matter how hard you try, your really can’t get an oven clean with just water and elbow grease. Not only that, but I scrubbed the oven racks in my clients’ bathtubs, and I scratched the enamel on Doreen Hicks’ bathtub. My oven-cleaning career ended after only two ovens. I had worked a total of eight hours for a single dollar.

But my big sister, she was always smarter than me in the money-making department. Her first job, at the age of twelve or thirteen, was as a bounty hunter. If I remember correctly, the township was offering $5 cash on the spot for every pair of raccoon ears you turned in, because apparently there were too many raccoons that year.

Debbie wasn’t prepared to actually hunt raccoons, but she and our grandfather, Opa, would drive the local highways looking for roadkill. Every time they’d spot a dead raccoon, he’d stop the car, and she’d jump out and go cut off its ears with a pair of shears. When they figured they had enough, he’d drive her to the town office and she’d collect her earnings for the day. Sometimes she made fifteen or twenty dollars. I’d have had to clean thirty or forty ovens for that kind of money!

Anyway, be careful out there Coyote. Keep your eyes peeled, and watch your back. (And your ears.)

Homemade pottery

Here’s the rest of the pottery we made at Chandler Swain’s Pottery Camp.  Mostly I see these pieces as funny little wobbly things that we made with our very own hands. Their charm lies in their obvious lack of proficiency.

The day we picked them up, I made stuffed green peppers for dinner and I was scanning about for something to cook them in when I  noticed my homemade casserole dish. It was the perfect size for two green peppers.

I never expected to actually cook food in any of my pottery pieces. I was (and continue to be) impressed by the fact that I made a piece of pottery that can be trusted to go into the oven with food in it. That’s not just a funny little wobbly thing, that’s a serious piece of pottery with a job!

Hostile corporate messaging

 

Further to my post the other day about Fabricland, here’s a photograph of the sign that hangs over the check-out area.

I know it’s hard to read, so I’ve transcribed it for you. It’s especially fun if you read it out loud. Shout whenever you get to the all-caps or bold parts.

 

 

Fabricland Store Policy

Fabricland’s RETURN POLICY on packaged items is:

All packaged items, excluding ‘Final Sale’ items may be returned for refund or exchange, IF they are returned as follows:

  • Within 7 days
  • With original receipt
  • In original packaging

NO RETURN OR EXCHANGE ON MEASURED AND/OR CUT GOODS AND PATTERNS.

ABSOLUTELY NO REFUNDS OR CREDIT NOTES WITHOUT A CASH REGISTER RECEIPT.

Credit notes are “store credit”. Credit notes have an expiry date of 90 days from date of issue, which is indicated on the credit note. Lost or stolen credit notes will not be replaced.

Methods of Payment For your protection, photo ID may be required for credit card purchases. Methods of payment accepted at Fabricland are cash, debit, VISA, Mastercard.

Limited cash on hand.

Shoplifting is a criminal offense. All shoplifters will be prosecuted.

We reserve the right to inspect all customer bags.

Lost or stolen Gift Certificates will not be replaced.

Days and Hours of Operation are posted in-store. We are not open on statutory holidays.

Special Orders require a deposit of 50% at time of order; please note shipping charges may apply.

Competitive Pricing in some locations some items may be sold at a price lower than Fabricland’s regular chain-store price. Where this ‘competitive pricing’ occurs, the advertised savings will be off Fabricland’s regular chain-store price.

No food, drinks or smoking in the store.

No pets allowed, with the exception of service animals.

Shirts and shoes must be worn.

Striving to be environmentally responsible, Fabricland encourages customers to bring re-usable bags. There is a 5 cent charge per plastic bag.

Sewing Club Membership:

Sewing Club cards are not transferable or assignable in any way; they must be presented in order to obtain the applicable discount and are not valid with any other discount offers.

Management of Fabricland assumes no responsibility for lost or stolen cards. A replacement fee will apply.

Health and Safety:

Fabricland’s Commitment to a Safe Work Environment

Our employees have the right to work in a safe work environment. Any act of abuse directed to or against our staff will not be tolerated. Abuse is any verbal or physical threat such as shouting, swearing or any other inappropriate behaviour. Conduct of this nature will result in the offending party being refused service, and/or the behaviour being reported to the police.

FABRICLAND. Sew much more than a fabric store.

For general inquiries or customer service feedback, call 1-888-780-0333 or email members@fabricland.ca.


Sounds like a fun place to shop, doesn’t it? They might as well just hang a sign that says “We hate our customers.”

In my experience, businesses that treat their customers like that tend to treat their staff like that too. I bet it’s just as bad a store to work at as it is to shop at.

Ottawa Citizen outs mentally ill man

On Saturday the Ottawa Citizen ran a story called Pleas to help mentally ill son ignored, mother says. It was in Hugh Adami’s column, The Public Citizen.

Complete with names and a photograph, this article provides detailed personal information about a 22-year-old man who lives in Ottawa’s shelter system. The information was supplied by his mother.

The young man was quoted by Adami as saying he didn’t want his story in the paper. And yet there it is: his suicide attempts, his drug use, his paranoid schizophrenia, his bipolar disorder, his behaviour problems as a child, his anger management problems, his doctors’ assessment of his current mental state, his brushes with the law, his rental history, his housekeeping shortcomings, everything. Right there with his name, photograph and height.

If his mother’s version of events is accurate, I can understand her frustration with the shortage of mental health resources available to her son. But does anyone else think that publishing this article was a flagrant violation of his privacy rights? Certainly there’s a valid point to made about mental health resources, but couldn’t this point have been made without  publicly identifying him?

Even if he manages to get his mental health issues under control with treatment, this article will probably haunt him for the rest of his life. Anybody who ever googles his name will learn personal and confidential information about his medical and psychiatric history.  This includes potential employers, potential landlords, acquaintances, neighbours and everybody else, forever.

It’s not right. And I can’t help but wonder if the Citizen would have published personal medical information about somebody who was not poor, homeless and mentally ill.

 

First, borrow a kitchen

This is a messy job. I recommend using your boyfriend’s kitchen, especially if he has a Cuisinart and a tendency to clean up after you.

You start with this:

About halfway through, the kitchen will look like this:

And the great big pot will look like this:

When your great big pot overflows, your boyfriend will go to the store and come back with a tub:

Dump everything in the tub and keep chopping and adding and mixing. When you are done, weigh it.

Sit on the floor with a box of baggies and a good friend, and spend an hour bagging it.

If it weighed 30 pounds, you will end up with 169 baggies of bird food.  Each bag of bird food will provide dinner for three birds for three days. Place 20 baggies in each large freezer bag.

This is not necessarily the best time to start thinking about your freezer capacity. But, if necessary, eat all the ice cream, throw out the rest of the human food,  and stack your bird food neatly in the freezer.

For the record, there’s no actual recipe, and Chop is never the same twice. Here’s what went into this batch.

  • kale
  • watercress
  • dandelion greens
  • turnips
  • sweet potatoes
  • red peppers
  • green peppers
  • jalapeno peppers
  • other hot peppers
  • ginger root
  • zucchini
  • okra
  • broccoli
  • broccoli rabe
  • beets
  • squash
  • carrots
  • red cabbage
  • radishes
  • pasta
  • coriander
  • oatmeal
  • flax seed
  • hemp seed
  • coconut
  • sesame seed
  • quinoa
  • brown rice
  • black rice
  • wheat berries

Next week I will make a batch of Bean Mix, which will be served along with the Chop for dinner each day. For breakfast they eat fresh veggies, fruit, seeds, nuts, homemade birdie bread and high quality commercial pellets. (Although Simon doesn’t actually eat his high quality commercial pellets. He throws them at Rosie the Dog, who eats them.)

 

Announcing the Worst Customer Service Contest

Let’s have a Worst Customer Service contest!

I’m going to nominate Fabricland on Merivale Road for their absence of customer service.

I bought thread there yesterday. In fact, I’m a card-carrying member of Fabricland, and I go there fairly regularly. So they weren’t just having an off-day.

I got to the cash with my three spools of thread. There were two cashiers at two cash registers. One was serving a customer. The other was doing something at her cash…I’m not sure what, but I stood there for about two minutes, waiting for her to finish. She did not acknowledge me in any way.

When she was done, she turned her attention to my thread. She rang it through, took my club card, applied my discount, and processed my credit card, all without saying a word to me. Then she handed me my receipt and turned away. She was perfectly competent, but it was like I didn’t even exist. I was merely a transaction.

“You’re welcome,” I said.

It’s not like I have outrageously high expectations of customer service. But shouldn’t a human being provide at least slightly more personal attention than an automated checkout machine? Is it asking too much to expect a hello and a thank you when you shop at a store?

Some of the staff at Fabricland are friendlier, but my overall experience of their customer service has not been great. For example, I don’t ask for help because I sense they don’t really want me to.

I think it goes beyond the individuals who work there. Fabricland needs to take a good hard look at itself in terms of its corporate messaging.  I was considering taking a sewing course there, but after reviewing the print-out and visiting the sewing class page on their website, I decided not to. It just didn’t sound like it was going to be any fun.

That’s my nomination for the Worst Customer Service contest. I know there’s worse out there, and I’m looking forward to reading about them. The contest is open until August 31st, and then we’ll vote. I’ll send certificates of nomination to all the nominees, so they’ll know they’re being considered for this most prestigious award.